The Doom Retrospective, Part 13

Adult language ahead.

I have to admit that things have not been going all that great for our hero. Two issues ago, he was humiliated by the walking sand trap, Thing, and last issue, he attempted to ruin the wedding of Reed and Sue, only to have the Watcher break his oath of non-interference and give Reed the ability to not only save the day but erase Doom’s memory of the event altogether! I think we can all agree that maybe Victor needs a break from taking on the Fantastic Four. Stan Lee must have thought the same thing, because Doom’s next appearance was in Avengers #25 (February, 1966). Before we examine this tale, however, let’s go to the scoreboard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 1-8

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Times Avoided Capture: 10 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Issues since the accursed Flash Thompson was replaced by the more accursed Watcher on top of the “waiting for swift and unspeakable retribution” list: 1

Our tale opens with the Avengers returning home after a battle with Kang the Conqueror. I don’t care about any of this because this is not a Kang Retrospective. As the team arrives, Doom spies on them with his television. This is now a recurring theme for Doom. He really likes just watching heroes in their most intimate moments. Doom has decided to lower the bar a little. His plan is to strike fear in the hearts of the Fantastic Four by thrashing the Avengers. The Avengers were clearly the B-list team in Marvel at this point, especially so since this is during the “Kooky Quartet” days – Captain America, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver. Surely, such a weak lineup will be easy pickings for Doom.

Doom monologues about how he and Kang might be the same person. Stop it. Just stop it. I skip ahead to the Avengers back at HQ, in-fighting as usual. You think Johnny and Thing are bad? Watch Captain America and Hawkeye go at it:

fighting

All the boxes are checked here. Wanda swoons like a schoolgirl at the Living Mummy, Captain America.  I like how Captain America just can’t help himself.

Cap: Fuck you, Hawkeye.

(thinking): No, I mustn’t lose my temper. Nothing to be gained..

Cap: Eat my ass, you penny-ante Robin Hood.

Never change, Cap. The scene then shifts to Cap chafing under the strain of leadership. He feels overwhelmed by it all. He’s just a relic of the past! Steve Rogers has no identity of his own! Yeah, whatever. Cap’s whining is thankfully ended by the arrival of a strange letter from the far off and exotic land of “Europe.”

What is in this letter? Why, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver have received a letter from their long lost Aunt in Latveria! Oh happy day! What a coincidence as well, since Doctor Doom wants to destroy the Avengers and he also lives in Latveria. How fortuitous. Wanda and Pietro run off to tell Hawkeye, interrupting his practice and causing him to mess up a shot. Can you believe a guy can be a superhero with just a bow and arrow? I can’t. Anyway, this causes your typical kerfuffle.

asshole

Trust me, Hawkeye. I understand. I often wonder how I can be such a giant asshole. Except, unlike you, I don’t actively repulse women. We turn our attention to Doom, who sees through his pervision that the Avengers are heading to Latveria. All is going according to plan. This calls for a pimp strut.

pimp

Nobody struts around like Doom. Although, calling Latveria comic-opera seems a little degrading. Stay positive for once in your life, Victor! Doom decides to take my advice and show some generosity.

cripple

I think your bedside manner needs a little work, Doctor. Here you are, cripple. Have a penny. I have a scarred face so obviously your miserable life forever in a wheelchair is very similar to mine. As all of this is happening, the Avengers arrive in Latveria and are promptly arrested. As they sit in jail, Cap “remembers” that Dr. Doom rules Latveria and this must all be a trap! Play the sad trombone. How can you forget Doom rules Latveria?! Simple minded peasants. Well, anyway, the four promptly escape but decide they have to be careful. They are law-abiding Americans who respect the rule of law, after all, and Doom makes the laws here. Ah, the black-and-white 1960’s comics era.

Doom is monitoring everything, of course, and the Avengers are acting just as he expected. Time to pull out his ace card!

dome

Pulling a cartoon lever and having a giant plastic dome cover his entire country. What the fuck. I mean, the genius of Doom knows no bounds! The Avengers are trapped like hamsters! The Avengers immediately put all of their prodigious might against the dome – an arrow and a hex bolt which earlier turned off a television – and shockingly the dome holds! Clearly, it is indestructible.

The Avengers are then spotted by the civilian population and are immediately turned on.

radio

Latverian radio shows tells us we need to destroy costumed intruders. I would love to listen to a clip from Latverian radio. Is it Doom pointing at things and then destroying them for an hour? This is you, Reed Richards! Then the sound of glass breaking. This is you, Captain America! Then the sound of piano being overturned. This is you, Thor! Then the sound of a cat getting kicked. I could listen to that for hours.

Shockingly, the Avengers escape what looks to be about a dozen unarmed peasants and make their way to Castle Doom. As they enter, Doom strikes a menacing pose to welcome them.

jest

You will pay for your insolent jest, Hawkeye. Doom does not keep office hours, cretin! Scarlet Witch demands an explanation and Doom basically says “Ok.”

plan

The accursed Fantastic Four. Yes, always that accursed team. Doom’s every waking moment, even in the shower as he scrubs his delicates, all of them are dedicated to seeing Richards humbled. This is a tad creepy, to be frank. The Avengers have heard quite enough, and the fight is on. Doom handles them like children. A beam of light saps Hawkeye’s strength. A magnetic field traps Cap’s shield. A device nullifies Wanda’s hex power. And Quicksilver just gets slapped around. Doom clearly has the upper hand.

arrow

Or I should say he did until he gets hit with an arrow?!?! Stan Lee can’t even remember past issues and Doom is sent running from an acid arrow. What is this shit? Not only does it send him running, he has a meltdown a few panels later. Head in hands, he laments that he underestimated the Avengers’ power. Really? You just shit your pants over an arrow, Victor. I think it has more to do with your lack of preparation than the power of the Avengers. Still, Doom has one final attack planned. The Avengers flee the castle and hole up in a cave to plan their next move.

Meanwhile, the mother of the boy from earlier asks if the dome can be raised in order for the boy to see a doctor who can cure him of his crippleness. Doom denies the request, of course. Cannot risk the Avengers escaping! The scene then shifts to America where we see the accursed Fantastic Four listening to the radio. An announcement is made that Latveria has accused the Avengers of spying. I believe it. Too many Latverian radio shows.

The Four race off to their rocket to head to Latveria. Only thing to do is to get clearance to take off.

denied

Which is promptly denied. Man, the 60’s were rough for superheroes. Aunt May shutting down Spider-man every issue. And the FF can’t even take off. You see, Doom is a world leader! It would be an international incident! Back in Latveria, Quicksilver overhears the poor mother sobbing that she can’t take her boy to the doctor because of this dome over the whole country. This blasted dome. Pietro tells the other Avengers and they decide it is time to take the fight to Doom. For cripples everywhere. Cap decides to open the fight by throwing his mighty shield.

shield

Yes. Doom’s supreme intellect. His matchless armor (Suck it, Iron Man). His dazzling skill. What is a mere shield to Doom?

shield2

Look on in awe and fear, Captain America. Doom effortlessly catches your shield and sends it back at you with irresistible force. He is more than a match for any of you cretins. Doom uses rocket harpoons and a mesh net to fight the Avengers. For having matchless armor, it does jack and shit. All of his weapons appear out of the walls, mad scientist style. Finally, the net slows the team down and Doom pulls out a big honking disintegrator gun. But when he pulls the trigger, nothing happens.

witch

The accursed Scarlet Witch. At best, your power flips switches. At worst, you have the power to induce forgetfulness? Laziness? Sloppiness? You’re terrible, Scarlet Witch. I will continue to mock your power no matter how many times you make me forget to flush the toilet.

The team piles on and finally they are able to pull the lever that removes the dome from Latveria. The Avengers know they can’t take Doom, so they have to figure out an escape. How will they do it??

sneeze

By making Doom sneeze. This is some crazy shit. Doom has a sneezing fit and the Avengers escape. The end. A fucking sneezing fit. Take a good look at this people, you will probably never see Doom sneeze on panel again. A fucking sneeze arrow. Hawkeye caused Doom all sorts of trouble with an acid arrow and a sneeze arrow. This is the fucking worst. How long can I keep this up?

Next: Back to fighting the Fantastic Four. And this time, it’s one of Doom’s most famous arcs. Victory will certainly be Doom’s!

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks. Also, if you like what you read, subscribe!

The Doom Retrospective, Part 12

Well, this is awkward. I’ve been running from my responsibility here on the Doom Retrospective. I’m not going to lie. Last issue was a trial. I took a break. Examined my priorities. Sat on a bench and reflected on my life. The usual. I realized Doom deserves better. This isn’t the end! This is just the beginning of a new era of Doom dominance. This is Victor von Doom we are talking about. I’m sure the accursed Thing will pay many times over for what he did last issue, which we will never speak of again. Now, the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 1-7

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Times Avoided Capture: 9 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Issues Flash Thompson has awaited swift and unspeakable retribution: 6

Doom got busted up in issue 40, but he does make a cameo shortly thereafter in issue 43 (October 1965). His hands seem to be healing nicely.

Hands

Fuck you, Thing. Your nancy-grip left nary a scratch on the hands of von Doom! Look at those hands. Still virile. Still powerful. Still so lithe. Soon Thing will be mightily spanked by the hands of Doom!

The very same month, Fantastic Four Annual #3 hit the newsstands. The wedding of Reed Richards and Sue Storm! Yes. The perfect opportunity for revenge!

theplan

Doom’s hands are in perfect condition. Look how swiftly he tears that newspaper to bits! That will be your fate as well, Richards! He wants to protect his perfectly healed hands so much, he kicks his secret door open. His plan is simple and elegant. Fan the flames of hatred for the Fantastic Four. Richards is so insufferable, I’m amazed he needs to invent such a wondrous machine to inspire hated of that insipid man.

We then head to the festivities. Socialites are here. Even that fop, Tony Stark.

stark

Look at Thing immediately creep on and then alienate Stark’s date. You can hear the utter revulsion in her voice. You’re a fucking creep, Thing. Also lurking in the audience is the dastardly Puppet Master, who is in control of some poor slob of a guest. Of course, Thing doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

fury

Luckily, Nick Fury and some SHIELD goons are there with their bullshit made-up tech to cover your ass, Grimm. You piece of shit. The Puppet Master takes off, confused. He has sworn to never attack the FF again, yet something compelled him to do it. Perhaps someone is pulling your strings, Puppet Master? Eh? As the Puppet Master escapes, we see the Red Ghost sulking about. Thing runs to tell Richards that someone is out to get them but then decides not to ruin his wedding day.

professorx

Some cunning shown by Thing here. With Reed murdered and out of the way, Sue will look for some shoulder to cry on. Mayhap a misshapen freak rocky shoulder, Ben? Keep dreaming, wretch. Sue can do a lot better than a talking litter box. Even Professor X is giving Thing major side-eye. Like get the fuck away from me, freak.

The danger he senses is the Mole Man. Charles summons the X-Men and they fight off the little Moloids. Boy did the X-Men suck then. Angel is jumping on moloids because his power doesn’t allow him to do anything useful in a fight. Hmmm. Tony Stark. Nick Fury. Professor X. The entire X-Men team. I think I am starting to see a flaw in Doom’s plan. I’m sure it will still work out.

Thing is now convinced he has to warn Reed. As he climbs the stairs, he hears Alicia scream and it’s not at his grotesque appearance for once. He busts in and Sue is fighting the Red Ghost and his super apes. Is it any wonder Doctor Doom took once he was introduced? Jesus, these FF villains fucking suck. Anyway, Reed and Johnny hear the commotion and bust in. Business is picking up.

The team struggles with apes, Jesus this sucks. Anyway, the Red Ghost is ready to strike an almost assuredly deadly blow on Reed’s weak mind, when the unexpected happens.

doctorstrange

By the Whorey Hostess of Denny’s, it’s Doctor fucking Strange! He just up and banishes their asses to hell. Reed is concerned. Some unknown enemy is sending all these villains after the team. Who could it be, Reed? Who could it possibly be, you idiot?

Doom is satisfied with himself. His machine has produced the desired results. We see villains heading to the wedding, compelled to attack. The Mandarin. The Black Knight. Kang the Conqueror. The Gray Gargoyle. The Awesome Android. Wait, Kang? Doom’s machine is so amazing, it travels through time and dominates Kang’s weakass mind. I’m still so angry about Doom’s last appearance that I am taking it out on poor innocent Kang. But seriously, fuck all these guys.

Thor is flying to the wedding and is attacked by the Super Skrull. They fight.

superskrull

I admire the Super Skrull’s confidence there. Not only does he possess every power known, every single one, even floating, he is also the greatest warrior in the galaxy. Such an unbeatable foe. Unequaled in the Marvel, DC, and Mortal Kombat universes. The team sees the explosion of the fight…

omen

And Sue is showing her cold feet. Look, Reed. An omen that our wedding should be called off. She wants out so bad. Good move, Sue. Reed tells his lawyer, Matt Murdoch, to tell the guests the wedding is running a bit late. He immediately tells his own hangers on, Foggy and Karen, to do that for him. He runs outside, now as Daredevil, and sees Hydra attacking! And they have a giant bomb with them! One of these worthless goons has to be able to get the job done.

While Daredevil is fighting Hydra, the Avengers show up. Jesus. Captain America is immediately attacked by Cobra, the Executioner, and the Enchantress. Where is security to clear out all this riff-raff? While Cap fights for his life, Mr. Hyde watches the action from afar like a sex offender before deciding now is the time to end the Avengers. Luckily for Captain America, Hawkeye is there to save him! But who will save Hawkeye from the Enchantress? Spider-Man, of course. Jesus Christ. This isn’t even a story. It’s just nonsense.

We cut to Black Knight who decides to help Hydra against Daredevil. Who is that flying in to save Daredevil? It’s the Angel!

mandarin

In one of the most embarrassing moments for a super-villain ever, the Black Knight needs saving from Angel, whose sole power is to be a giant pigeon. The X-Men show up to save his ass, and villains are crawling out of the woodwork.

villains

Look at that motley crew. Electro, Mandarin, Unicorn, Melter, Beetle. A real winning lineup there. Again, is it a shock that Doom rose above this shitshow to become #1 stunner at Marvel? Outside the Baxter Building, all hell is breaking loose.

madness

Black Knight sucks so bad, Reed is kicking his ass from one hundred feet away. Still, Doom’s moment of triumph is growing closer. Beast will be the first to die since nobody wants to see close-ups of his fugly feet anymore. And who is that weirdo staring at me from the corner? I’ll see that face in my fucking nightmares.

The Mad Thinker and Awesome Android show up, slapping around Iron Man. Quicksilver takes out the Top. It’s craziness. Down at the docks, fortune smiles on Doom.

attuma

Attuma rolls up with an entire army! What a happy accident. Who needs the treacherous douche Namor when you can get an army? We turn the page and see Daredevil STILL driving around with Hydra’s bomb truck….

bomb

Poor Attuma. He just pulled a Santino Marella in the Royal Rumble. Poor guy. Maybe next wedding, Attuma. Back to the Baxter Building, Reed is lamenting that the heroes don’t have the power to defeat the villains. What are they going to do? That’s easy. Have the fucking Watcher show up and take Reed away from the battle. Where does he take him?

watcher

To his home, of course. Fuck you, Watcher. Non-interference my ass. I have sworn not to interfere but I am going to go read this book while you ransack my home for weapons. What a douche. Fuck you, you overgrown bald baby. Kickass Kirby art, though.

So Reed finally understands one of the devices. Probably the equivalent of a Watcher’s Fischer-Price toy because it’s Reed. Watcher, my “non-interfering” ass, sends Reed back to the fight with weapon in tow. What does it do?

victory

Changes time, of course! Curse you, Richards. You win this round. Even Doom will forget his role in this. So close to victory. Eat a dick, Watcher, you mutant Gerber baby. Victory was Doom’s! So the wedding finally happens. An iconic moment in Marvel history. And two wedding crashers gets turned away at the door.

theend

All’s well that ends well. In all seriousness, an iconic issue. A huge moment in the early Marvel age. One of the greatest Marvel comic issues ever. But Doom will return and the Watcher just nudged Flash Thompson one spot lower on the revenge list. You will pay for your meddling, you walking fat cue ball.

Next: Doom fights the Avengers!

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks. Also, if you like what you read, subscribe!

The Doom Retrospective, Part 11

As always, there be adult language and adult joke ahead. You have been warned.

Last time on the Doom Retrospective, our hero was facing off against a powerless Fantastic Four and a superhero that can’t even see! Nothing can stop Doom now! Nothing! Before we get to his final victory, let’s take a look at the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 1-6

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Times Avoided Capture: 8 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Issues Flash Thompson has awaited swift and unspeakable retribution: 5

Let’s hop right into it. After last month’s barnburner of an ending, the Fantastic Four desperately race to the Baxter Building, a building now firmly under the control of Doom! All the Mighty Marvelites must have been beside themselves waiting a full month for FF # 40 to come out, dreading that the series would be over complete with the final panel showing Doom parading the desecrated corpses of Johnny, Ben, and Richards through the streets of New York, while Sue came to grips with the new man in her life. Secretly wanting it oh so badly. I digress.

The issue opens with Doom gloating over his impending victory. Instead of eliminating them quickly, he decides to play with his food. Excellent, Victor. Make them suffer.

rep

Doom is not above ruining the team’s rep before killing them. Years from now, that woman will tell her grandchildren that a drone almost hit her in the face. That man will regale his friends with the tale of how Reed Richards was invading the privacy of innocent citizens well before September 11. It’s all your fault, Richards.

Doom discovering Reed alive has given him new life. He decides that once Reed is dead, he’ll take over the world. Reed really brings out the best in Victor. Daredevil, using his accursed blindness powers, discovers the drone and takes it out in short order.

DDgun

Wait, what? With a gun? Hidden in his billy club? So much for the criminal justice system. Daredevil is going to let God sort ’em out. The Punisher is still over a decade away and here is a blind man packing fucking heat. Excelsior!

After gunning down an unarmed drone in the middle of the street, Daredevil runs off to distract Doom, calling the Lord of Latveria “Doomsie.” You will die for your impertience, Daredevil. Reed meets up with Johnny and Sue in a purloined taxi. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

taxi

At Herochat, there is a meme that Thing will always do things like steal a taxi to expedite his escapes from the Hulk. It seems like the whole team is into it, however. The FF are nothing but a cowardly bunch of criminals. Reed is in a real hurry to get to something called “The Stimulator.” I think I can see Sue blushing ever so slightly. Looks like that machine has more than one use, wink wink.

They reach the building and forge ahead, immediately running into a trap designed by Reed himself. “Mr. Fantastic” carries Sue through the electrical blasts and directs Johnny through it at the same time. Torch, that sniveling sycophant, claims there will never be another guy like Reed. Richards’s minutes are numbered, insect.

Meanwhile, Daredevil has sneaked up on Doom. Is our hero caught unawares?

rope

Of course not! Doom left you just “enough rope,” cretin. Another Victor zinger. Not quite up there with the sun giving them a warm reception, but good enough for the likes of Daredevil. Doom quickly turns the tables, using a model rocket ship that Reed built to chase DD around the room. The accursed hero dodges at every turn. Doom deduces he is using far more than just sight, but what could it be? Once again, Doom shows his superiority over Richards. Here they are side-by-side.

dumb

Doom at least works out that there is something more than vision going on here, while Reed is more like “Dur hur!” and staring at Daredevil’s tight vigilante ass. I hate you, Reed Richards. Fugly Ben Grimm shows up and now the whole accursed party is here. Reed keeps babbling about the “stimulator.” Is he going to give them their powers back or are we going to watch Reed jack it for 5 panels?

Back in the control room, Doom flings machinery around and Daredevil shows that his billy club has more powers than fucking Mjolnir.

mjolnir

Green Lantern Spider-man and this god damned Odin-blessed billy club. No wonder Doom can’t beat these guys! Daredevil is like a more competent version of Thunderstrike. And for those that don’t know who that is, well, let’s just say he was a symptom of what was wrong in the 90’s and we are all glad he’s dead.

As the Four race to retrieve Reed’s sex toy, Daredevil does the unthinkable and lays his hands on the personage of Doom!

trouble

You are in trouble now, simpleton! Doom shall crush you like the bug you are. Daredevil is being trounced so thoroughly that his similes stop making sense. Held by a bulldozer?!? Just as Doom is about end Daredevil, in bust the powerless Fantastic Four.

wrestling

How does that feel, Thing? You want to die? You want Doom to end it all for you? How does it feel that Richards treats you as little more than fodder? He was willing to see you die so he could get his hands on his sweet “stimulator.” And of course he uses it on himself first. What a dick. He could have shot Ben first but Reed wants Doom to Gorilla Press Thing Ultimate Warrior style. Reed turns the gun on Johnny next, still no Ben. Suck it, Thing. Three of the four have their powers back? Does Doom panic?

powers

Of course not! This victory will be so much the sweeter! Swatting Torch away like a fly, Doom triggers the in-floor refrigeration unit, freezing the team in place, including the accursed Daredevil. Unfortunately, in one last bullshit heroic moment, Reed stretches and releases a steam vent, freeing the heroes. Bah! No matter. Only delaying the inevitable.

Reed decides that the full might of the Fantastic Four is required to beat Doom. He turns his gun on Ben.

thing

Oh, that is rich. I love it. Ben doesn’t want to be the Thing and Reed does not give two flying fucks. Oop. Too late. Already pulled the trigger, you ugly gargoyle. Welcome back to being a fucking monster. Reed might as well have kicked him in the nuts and spit in his face while he was at it. Who’s the villain here?

While Reed is fucking Thing over, Doom is rigging the building to blow, killing everyone for miles around to boot. An enraged Thing, knowing he is impotent to attack his true enemy, decides to take on Doom instead. We’ve seen this play out before, moron. Doom is going to whip your ass, Thing.

force field

Look at Thing hurt his little hand. Why do you do this to yourself, Thing? Just roll over and die. Thing is too stupid to quit. He comes at Doom again. But Doom is master of all! His armor is supreme! He uses an “instant hypnotism impulser” in his gauntlet, which tips Thing off balance. Doctor Doom then issues a royal beatdown on Thing, destroying him with words as well.

beatdown

Ugly One. Orange-skinned misanthrope. Misshapen body. All true statements. Doom is ethering you, Thing. I am sure the next page is Grimm killing himself. Thing, knowing he can’t kill himself lying prone, wills himself to overpower Doom’s device. Look at how strong his suicidal tendencies are!

suicide

I think Doom should stop the fight and call a hotline. Thing obviously needs help. In an ultimate sign of mercy, Doom decides he will help put this ugly pile of shit out of his misery. Using “intensified molecules,” he blasts pebbles that turn into boulders, pummeling Thing. The grotesque monster won’t give up though, busting out of those boulders.

neanderthal

Again, Thing dares to lay hands on Doom and pays for it immediately. I am really enjoying this. Look at Doom dominate Thing! Doom unloads on the foul beast, forcing the idiot to crawl towards him. I’ll give Thing credit. He’s too dumb to collapse and too ugly to die.

collapse

Look at that. He agrees with me completely. You’re a mental trainwreck, Thing. The brute miraculously muscles through Doom’s defenses and again lays his misbegotten mitts on the Lord of Latveria! Let’s watch Doom humble him again. This shit never gets old.

nooooo

Wait, what? This must be some sort of mistake. Let me look at that again.’

nooooo

Huh. It’s still the same.

What the fuck?!?! No, no, no. Not the fucking Thing! Even Torch would be better. Not Thing! Bah, Doom doesn’t need gadgets to snap victory from the jaws of defeat. He still has more than enough power to destroy you all! This is just the darkest moment before the shining dawn of Doom’s triumph!

humbled

Doom. Slinking off. Defeated. Humbled. Humiliated. FUCK. What the fuck is going on here? Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, you fucking hacks. You smear this shit on the page and call it a comicbook? Suck it. All of you can suck it. The book ends with Thing quitting the team because he’s a fucked up ugly monster, and nobody cares. I hope you die, Thing! I hope you fucking die next issue.

I’m done. My ticker can’t take this any longer. That’s not even how diplomatic immunity works!

Next: Fuck this shit.

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.

The Doom Retrospective, Part 10

As the readers coming to the site grow incrementally, I think it would be best if I gave a warning that there be adult language and adult humor in the Doom Retrospective. Ye have been warned.

When last we left out hero, brave Doctor Doom had finally defeated the accursed Richards, overpowering him with pure brain power and banishing him from existence forever!! I will not go into the meaningless details of how that ended up not being true. Just know that chicanery and the accursed Stan Lee and Jack Kirby played important roles in this unjust and tyrannical reversal of fortune. Let’s go to the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 1-6 (It counts. Fuck you, Richards, Lee, Kirby. Eventually, Doom will win for real! So swears Doom! Check out Major Spoilers, by the way, great site.)

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Times Avoided Capture: 8 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Issues Flash Thompson has awaited swift and unspeakable retribution: 4

With Doom believing himself triumphant, he was given a rest, going on hiatus for a full 10 months, the longest he had ever gone without an appearance. With the Marvel Universe really hitting its stride and new heroes and villains coming into their own, the days of Doom heroically carrying the banner of super-villainy were at an end. But you can’t keep Marvel’s number one stunner out of the funny pages for long, and so in Fantastic Four #39 (June 1965), Doom makes his triumphant return.

Our story opens with the Fantastic Four fucked up from an encounter with the Frightful Four! This is a story I don’t care about (except for Sandman. Go Sandman!) and won’t read, so let’s continue. It appears the team took a nuclear explosion, shielded only by a Sue Storm force field. After drifting out in the ocean for 24 hours, they are rescued. Caught up? Good. Shit, Reed wants to have a dream and recap the last issue for you. Fine, Reed, you selfish asshole.

exposition

Now are you caught up? Reed’s analytical mind causes even his unconscious mutterings to come out as splendid tales of derring-do. What a damned showoff. By the way, Thing was turned back into Ben Grimm by the explosion and nobody cares. Shame he survived.

At breakfast the next morning, the Four are greeted with an inconvenient truth.

grumpy

They’ve lost their powers! And look at Reed sulk. He doesn’t care that he still retains his intellect, he’s more upset that he lost the ability to grow his penis to Doom-like proportions. Sue seems to be handling it pretty well.  When they return home, Reed is trying to give them their powers back and “cure” Thing by returning him to his rightful status as a boil on the ass of humanity. We are also treated to an experimental page by Kirby.

cuttingedge

Look at those special effects. Fuck Avatar. This is the real deal. And look at Thing, the poor bastard actually wants to be a monstrosity again. Better to be a walking gargoyle who will die alone than to be an anonymous loser who will die alone, eh, Benji?

Reed is stumped, so he decides to mimic the Four’s powers through science. He makes Johnny a suit that can allow him to “flame on,” but he can’t fly as well as he used to.

And Thing?

bumbler

Useless, as usual. I could read a comic filled with nothing but Thing screwing up and Reed berating him for it. It must be hard to be surrounded by fellows that are barely legally competent. Trust me, Doom understands. I kind of like dick Reed. What about Sue?

harder

Whoa, there, Reed. Settle down. I think there is some pent-up sexual frustration going on there. You’re not thinking clearly. I’m disappointed he didn’t berate Sue for claiming an invisible woman was a “power of nature.” How dare you question me, woman? First, invisible airheads aren’t a part of nature. They are abominations. You’re an abomination, Susan. And second, I’m Reed Richards and I can do anything (except beat Doom in a fair fight.) We leave the Four in shambles and turn to a familiar scene in Latveria. Doom is berating his servants and yelling at the magician that is trying to entertain him. Bah! Your cheap parlor tricks do not impress Doom, a man who has dabbled in dark arts far beyond what your mortal ass is capable of understanding. The magician, rightly fearing for his life, tries to impress Doom with hypnotism.

hypnosis

Uh oh. A spell dissolving? Let’s watch realization hit Doom like a careening bus.

uhoh

Doom is so angry, the very metal of his mask quivers and changes with his expression. I fucking hate that. Iron masks can’t move like that. That’s amateur hour, Kirby. Doom rightly blows a gasket, slaps around the hired help, and immediately jets off to New York. That was strangely satisfying, even with the stupid mask moving. Some two-bit magician just signed Reed Richards’ death warrant.

We return to the Fantastic Four and find their lawyer walking into their warehouse. Their lawyer, of course, is Matt Murdock, Daredevil, the Invalid without Fear! It warms my heart to see someone who probably should have been euthanized years ago after being deformed with radioactive gunk lead a more productive life than Ben Grimm. Suck it, Thing. So why has Reed called the team attorney? To prepare for the worst.

DD

Daredevil is so taken aback, he develops split personality and starts talking to himself. This is some serious shit, Reed. With two sentences, you have completely destroyed Matt Murdock’s psyche! Before Reed can investigate just how badly Matt’s brain is damaged, someone attacks the base!

While the FF’s new Reed-invented powers fail, because Reed is not Doom, Daredevil springs into action, assisting the team. “Mister Fantastic” is simply stumped by this turn of events.

dumbreed

My blind lawyer was here and now you’re here, Daredevil. And you can see in the dark and you’re using Matt Murdock’s cane. I don’t know who you could possibly be, Mister, but I’m glad you just randomly popped by. Eat a dick, Reed. I can’t believe Doom keeps losing to you. Speaking of which, where is Doom? And who is piloting that mysterious ship?

ship

Yes, Richards, while you are flummoxed by the man behind the Daredevil mask (which doesn’t even have eyeholes!), Doom is building ships beyond anything you have ever seen! Doom, the consummate showman, takes this whole thing up a notch.

showman

Look at that. That is the sweetest damn floating sign. Doom must have worked hours on that. Eat it, Richards. You are outpowered, outperformed, and straight up outclassed by Doom. Reed poops himself because the team is powerless, but the Cripple without Fright swears he will fight against Doom with Matt Murdock’s cane. I’m actually feeling pretty good about a Doom victory at this point.

Not only has Doom built a space-age ship, he has remotely taken control of all of Richards’ accursed vehicles housed in the Baxter Building. First, it’s the Fantasti-car. The four stand around helpless and Daredevil busts his ass to make sure they don’t die. I am amazed at what the handicapped are truly capable of doing. Daredevil leads them back into the warehouse where they are hiding from Doom, who is stymied?

hidden

Yes, Victor, when something is hidden from you, you cannot see it. Are we sure this isn’t a Doombot? My fears are assuaged when he calls Reed’s greatest inventions children’s toys. That’s the real Doom all right. Doom unleashes the vortex machine and launches a tornado at the hapless heroes.

Untitled

Nice work, Daredevil. I can feel the building falling apart, but I can’t figure out how! If only this tornado level wind and intense air pressure crushing my super sensitive eardrums would die down so I could figure it out! Despite his brain still being addled from Reed’s bombshell earlier, DD leads them through the warehouse, escaping certain death. The five decide to split up. Good plan, powerless people and blind guy.

Reed and DD head to a construction site while the others fan out. Reed techno-babbles his way to defeating the vortex.

babble

Who knew that a spinning column of air had such a unique chemical makeup that only the right combination of chemicals stored in a construction site could…you know what, I’m done defending this shit. Fuck you, Reed.

We cut back to Doom, who is mighty confused as to why the FF keep running instead of using their superpowers to fight back. Curiouser and curiouser. Watch, Richards. Watch a first rate mind at work.

smart

BOOM! You can’t figure out how in the world Daredevil is using Matt Murdoch’s cane and Doom is dropping knowledge bombs on your ass. Whose is the superior intellect, Richards?!?! What will Doom do with this knowledge? He decides to toy with them. He wants it to last “as long as possible.” I think when Doom masturbates he chokes himself while looking at a picture of Reed. And maybe Sue. And maybe Thing. Not Johnny, though.

Doom fires Reed’s overly simplistic missiles at the FF and Daredevil saves Reed. “Mister Fantastic” cannot for the life of him figure out if Daredevil has any super powers. Daredevil decides to distract Doom while Reed figures something out. I have not seen any other members of the FF in about three pages and I don’t miss them. Let Reed just have the book at this point.

The issue ends with all five heroes desperately trying to reach the Baxter Building and defeat Doom. Here’s a spoiler: No way they win this time. They are powerless. Daredevil can’t even see! Doom has the entire arsenal of the Baxter Building! Victory will be Doom’s! No way the FF escape from this. What a humiliation if Doom blows this.

Next: The humiliation of Doom.

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.

The Doom Retrospective, Part 9

With work picking up, my rapid fire additions to the Doom Retrospective are likely over, but fear not! I should still be good for 2-3 updates/week.

Last time, we looked at the origin of Doom! Today we cover the second half of Fantastic Four Annual #2, which drops us back into continuity. But first, the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 0-6 (Sooner than you think, Richards!)

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Times Avoided Capture: 7 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Issues Flash Thompson has awaited swift and unspeakable retribution: 3

When last we left our hero, Doom was lost in sppppaaaaccceeeee after the treacherous Thing pushed him out a hole in the floor. Go back and read it and you’ll understand.

Our story opens with the Fantastic Four in the Fantasti-car experiencing engine trouble. I hope they make it. I do not want the cruel hand of fate robbing Doom of the pleasure of ending their miserable lives. It’s Johnny’s fault, of course, and with Thing doing the piloting, there is the real chance his suicidal tendencies get the best of him and that this will be the end of the team.

Fortunately, they are able to make an emergency landing in the street, but not without causing a bit of property damage as Thing rear ends an old man’s car. This innocent citizen is rightly upset. His whole fender has fallen off! Thing decides that he can repair the car in a snap.

car

Er, make that fix it with a kerplunk! Stick to being the team litter box, Thing. You’re worthless. In a strange twist, though, an art dealer happens by and buys the car from the irate old man on the spot and then asks Thing to smash it up. Since smashing things mindlessly is pretty much the highest function his malformed brain allows, Thing happily obliges.

art

That guy was a little too in to watching Thing smash that car. Yeah, that’s it. Another hundred if you smash it up real good. Yeah. Oh yeah. Now lick it. By the time this bizarre fetish scene is over, “Mr. Fantastic,” a name that will always have quotes because who the hell does Reed think he is, anyway? fixes the malfunctioning Fantasti-car.

With this tomfoolery over, we switch to the star of the show. Doom is in space and about to run out of air! He is on a collision course with Jupiter to boot, but luckily, some weird space egg comes around and uses a tractor beam to pull Doom to safety.

egg

This scene cracks me up. Doom is unmoving, casually plotting, instead of freaking out. I’ll make whoever is in this crazy egg serve me! The three panels of him just getting slowly lowered while he rants to himself is high comedy.

And we are now in an episode of Star Trek because who is piloting this highly advanced space egg?

ramatut

It’s an ancient Egyptian. Holy shit, Egyptians really were hella advanced back in the day. A space egg. Tractor beams. Ray guns. Papyrus. Doom scoffs at your ray gun, cretin! But he respects the papyrus. This guy is nameless right now, but this is Rama-tut aka Kang the Conquerer aka Immortus aka Scarlet Centurion aka Iron Lad. Look, he’s got a convoluted history, alright? Let’s just stick with Rama-tut – Space Pharaoh-  for now.

Doom says his name is not important and then demands to be called Doctor Doom, which is his name sans the Victor von. Alright. Doom bellyaches about the FF…I mean promises retribution for their incessant meddling! Rama-tut reveals that he, too, was defeated by the FF (in FF#19). You can also see right away that he is going to be a pain in the ass because he is from the 25th century and used a time machine invented by his ancestor Dr. Doom to travel back in time and commit crimes. Ambitious guy, using 25th century tech to rule a culture that had not invented iron. When Doom hears this heap of convoluted shit, the logic of his steel-trap mind kicks in…

twins

What the fuck? Doom makes an amazing leap of logic and decides that there is a good chance they are the same person. There is no chance, Victor, especially not on the flimsy evidence of your “ancestor” using your time machine. At my next family reunion, I am going to tell my cousin who drove my car once that it’s possible we are the same person. I also like how they go all Parent Trap at the end and speak at the exact same time. This is terrible, Stan Lee.

By the way, the question of how they can exist together is never answered. Here’s a hint: you’re not the same fucking person. Space Pharaoh suggests a team up to destroy the Fantastic Four, but Doom declines. Too dangerous. If the FF kill one of them, they would both die if it turns out they are the same person. Stop it, Victor. Just fucking stop it. Geez. Rama-tut states that he has heard Reed Richards is smarter than both he and Doom. As if we needed any more evidence they are not the same person. Doom swears he will put an end to that dirty lie once and for all. Doom grabs a little rocket, waves good-bye to Space Pharaoh and his magnificent space egg, and zooms back to Earth.

We end this pointless scene (they are not the same person. Fuck you, Stan Lee, for trying to make us think they are with that absurd shit) and swing back towards the FF. Sue sees a beautiful shooting star.

star

What a great scene. That’s a man-made object coming back to Earth, woman, not a meteor. And speaking of objects coming back to Earth, I have a feeling Doom might come back. But that’s a mystery I’ll never solve, I guess. Back to looking at my microfiche of the Earth.

The capsule lands right in the middle of New York City and Doom heads to the Latverian embassy, where Ambassador Gorzenko is giving an interview.

fairytale

Talk about awkward. I meant some other mysterious, masked, unknown tyrant, Herr Doktor! Jokes. He is rightly shitting his pants, but Doom has orders for him. We don’t know what they are, but I bet it is a foolproof plan to finally rid the world of the accursed Reed Richards and his band of sycophants.

Back with the team, Reed is testing a new superglue he invented for NASA. He makes Thing test it by pulling bricks apart. Finally, Thing is useful! Sue saves us all by entering with big news. They’ve been invited to a party! Where is this gala going to be held?

embassy

That’s right, bitches. The Latverian Embassy. Look at the decor. Look at the fine spread. The Latverian Embassy is for people who want to be seen. Strange, though, where is the Prime Minister. Geography fail, Richards! So smart. Can’t even name the real ruler of Latveria. I’m cackling, right now. This is your doom, Richards! They are all given special Latverian berry drinks and all of them drink except Reed. Of course. It turns out this juice allows Doom to basically plant suggestions in their mind and they each see exactly what Doom wants them to see. Torch sees Thing cockblock him with a Latverian countess. It’s not funny enough to show. Torch gets mad because he knows he’ll die a virgin, and they fight.

We then turn to Sue and what does she see?

dickreed

Oh, that’s rich. The best part is that as we move further along into FF history, this characterization isn’t far off. You’re a dick, Reed. Although I admit “Go haunt a house or something!” made me chuckle. Point for you, Richards. The team, manipulated by Doom, then begins to fight amongst themselves. So this is a typical issue of the Fantastic Four is what you’re telling me.

Remember when I said Ghost Dickhead Reed was hard to distinguish from real Reed and later on you’d see it? Well, I didn’t mean years or issues, I mean a page later.

realreed

Maybe you should go to Namor, Sue. Or maybe you need to steer clear of all men for a while. You’re really lowering your standards. While they fight, Doom watches. This all going according to plan. Unfortunately, Emo-Doom rears his ugly head again.

emodoom

God damn it, Emo-Doom. Stay buried where you belong! And what did I tell you about surrounding yourself with mirrors, Victor! The FF hear the shot and come into the room. Doom is not prepared! No matter! Victory is assured! There is a quick skirmish and Sue pushes Victor out the window with a force field. Doom uses it as an opportunity to escape. Sue doesn’t understand any of this. Here, let Reed explain:

rareform

Reed is in rare form today. Not a fool, Sue! Merely a female who acts on emotions without thinking things through! Now that I am saying this out loud, yes, you are a fool. All women are fools. You’re such an asshole, Reed. Reed and Sue go and break up the fight between the toddlers and the team is all on the same page again. They must stop Doom! Reed tells Sue that she can’t come, it’s too dangerous. Geez, Reed, can it with the patriarchal attitude. It’s 1964! Johnny and Ben say Sue can handle themselves and I agree. Certainly better than those 2 dipshits. With that settled, the team heads back to HQ. And Doom is there waiting to strike! Aw, man, this is it!

Thing, being an ignoramus, charges Doom.

idiot

Surprise, surprise, you grotesque gargoyle. You’re even more worthless than usual. Doom’s force field is unbeatable. Fuck you, Unus! Unfortunately, Reed has a device that can break any force field, but it requires Johnny’s Nova Flame. Johnny takes the device and flies high into the sky. But silly Reed forgot to tell Johnny to let go of the device immediately or else! Torch doesn’t let go in time and after triggering the machine, he plummets to Earth. Reed saves him, but he burns his widdle hands. The forcefield is down, though, so Thing steps up to the plate again. Is it Clobberin’ Time?!?!

pwned

Of course not. Doom crushes the walking outhouse with no effort. Fuck you, Thing. Next up is Sue. She displays yet another new power and turns Doom invisible. Jesus, she has a new power every week. They scrap, but Doom gets the upper hand. Finally, Reed steps in. This is between Reed and Doom. All you others, step aside. Yes, Richards. Yes. This is your last mistake.

drink

Reed’s a good sport, though. Facing his imminent demise with dignity. I’ll drink to your death as well, Richards!

Now that the formalities are out of the way, what will be the weapon of choice? Swords? Pistols? Halberds? Nope. It’s the dreaded “Encephalo-gun.” Two people put their foreheads on it and try to outthink the other person. I shit you not. This is the most literal way Doom and Reed could ever face off. Strap yourselves in for this wild ride of two people staring at each other. They lock eyes and the duel begins…

duel

YEEEEEESSSSSSS!! Eat a dick, Richards! Ultimate victory is Doom’s! HAHA. It feels so good. Honestly, I knew it was coming. I never gave up hope. This is so satisfying. A true Lee and Kirby masterpiece. I need to see how much an original copy of this issue is going for on eBay. It’s priceless, I bet. With trembling hand, I turn the page. I am giddy thinking about how Doom will kill Johnny and Ben and take Sue as his own. Long nights in the castle, in front of the fire, writhing bodies. Let’s move on. Let’s watch Doom…

gracious

Such a gracious winner, although screeching “You saw it! You all saw it!” is a little much. Act like you’ve been here before, Victor. Doom walks off triumphant, with the Fantastic Four shattered. Only 5 panels to go in the most perfect comicbook ever written. Let’s end this in style and put all of them here for us to enjoy.

final

No. That’s impossible. That can’t be true. What the fuck?!?!? NOOOOOOO. Accursed Richards! Look at how smug he is. Look at how he believes he has somehow defeated Doom. Well, fuck you, Reed. Doom walked off victorious. You will rue the day Doom learns of this treachery, Richards! His incandescent rage will burn like a star and consume you in its fiery intensity!

Fuck it. Doom wins. 1-6. Fuck you, Stan Lee. Fuck you, Jack Kirby. Fuck you, Fantastic Four. Doom wins.

Next: Doom takes a bit of a break, not returning for a full 10 months. I am sure he is living it up, celebrating his first victory over the Fantastic Four.

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.

The Doom Retrospective, Part 8

Last time, on the Doom Retrospective, our hero defeated the Fantastic Four individually with the help of his super powered minions, only to be ultimately defeated and lost in space. Again. Now I know some of you Doomites might be wondering if I will count Doom’s victories over the Fantastic Four as wins on the scorecard. I will acknowledge that Doom has won temporary victories, but I am only going to count “wins” as those where Doom is triumphant at the end of the issue. So let’s look at the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 0-6

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1

Times Avoided Capture: 7 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4

Doom next appeared in Fantastic Four Annual #2 (Sept. 1964), and to show the world how far Doom has come, Doom dominates this entire double-sized issue! Part 1 is a story befitting all great characters, heroes and villains alike, an origin tale! That is the story I’ll be covering today.

We open our tale with Doom sitting on a throne?!?! Well, this is new.

throne

Look at that monogrammed throne. This is a historic moment, people. Doom’s servant, Boris, takes his master out in the countryside for some sort of visitation. But where are we?

Latveria

Aw, yeah. Latveria. Jewel of the Alps! Highly rated tourist destination! Doctor Doom is officially king of his own damn country. It’s taken over two years since his creation, but Lee and Kirby have added the finishing touch on Doom as a character. Long live Doom! The duo stop before a tombstone and suddenly, we are thrust into a flashback. A gypsy village? What? Doom is a gypsy? Such humble beginnings! Yes, Doom began his life as the son of a gypsy doctor in the Latverian countryside, living like carnie folk, I guess. With their small hands and cheese smells. Men of the evil Baron of Latveria come to fetch Doom’s father, Werner, because the Baroness is sick. Here, little Victor learns a valuable lesson.

gypsy

Yes, Boris. Being born a gypsy means you must accept being openly shit upon. Gypsy born, gypsy taken to Baron castle for impossible task, and then gypsy murdered. Such is gypsy life. Let’s click our heels around campfire now. Eat a dick, Boris. Luckily, someone we know is going to end this shit cycle soon enough. And it might just be handsome little Victor von Doom.

Dr. Doom Sr. goes to the Baron’s castle and finds the Baroness dying from an incurable condition. He is threatened with death if he cannot save her. He does his best and hightails it back to his village. He knows she is going to die and the shit is going to hit the fan. The Dooms make a run for it.

running

Little Vic wants to stay and fight, but his father knows better. We also discover that Mrs. Doom is dead. We will later learn it was a freak demon summoning accident that did her in. An under reported type of accident, even today. But here her death remains a mystery. As the Dooms push into the mountains, their horse bolts and they are left alone as the temperature drops and snow begins to fall. Dr. Doom Sr. wraps Victor in his own clothes to keep him warm. Boris finds them the next day and while Dr. Doom Sr. is dying, little Vic still has a chance.

deaddad

Wow. Victor makes a really fast recovery and is there for the death of his father. Victor shows his chops by ranting that all mankind will pay. I wasn’t even there, Victor! Over react much? His mom also dabbled in the black arts. I’m sure Victor will never find that out, Boris. 2 panels later:

heritage

Boris, you dipshit. You hope he never finds out? Then why keep his mom’s shit right there out in the open? Ugh. So after Boris says “Gee, I hope he never finds out.” Honest-to-god, two panels later Doom is cackling like a mad man over magic potions. You’re the fucking worst, Boris.

Fast forward to Doom as a young adult. The little scamp is using his prodigious intellect to troll the Latverian upper crust.

trollin

Look at that robot! How did Doom build that in a traveling circus gypsy village? To be clear, here is where Victor grew up:

village

Suck it, Iron Man. Doom builds robots out of straw, sticks, and grass in a little gypsy village. Screw you and your little cave with actual weapons components. Doom is the greatest intellect! Doom continues to terrorize the country side, robbing from the rich and giving to the poor of Latveria. He is fighting a one man war against the evil Baron thanks to his unique genius. A genius that shall not go undiscovered any longer.

american

Yes, an American finds him. He chomps his pipe in his goofy outfit, all signs of a serious man of science, and offers Victor a scholarship in America! Prestigious State University. Go college mascot! Since everyone knows America is the best, Victor immediately accepts and he is off to the USA!

Literally the first person to speak to him at the university is some obnoxious little annoyance who won’t leave Doom alone.

richards

Richards!! For four panels he just follows Doom around bugging him. This guy. Doom should have vaporized him on the spot. After Doom rebuffs Richards arguably sexual advances, Reed ends up rooming with football star Ben Grimm. A deserving punishment. Doom throws himself into his studies. And some involve a little more than just science.

experiment

Nice, evil looking cauldron, Victor. I’m sure your RA had no questions when you lugged that into your room. Richards tries to sabotage Doom’s calculations, obviously altering some decimal points in a desperate cry for attention. Go back to spooning Grimm after the sock hop, Richards! We know what happens from here. Experiment goes boom. Doom’s face is…changed. Dean Dick expels him when he is still wrapped like a damn mummy. Doom heads to Tibet, seeking the secrets of black magic and sorcery, because everyone knows you cannot trust Tibetans.

Doom eventually ascends to upper management of this sorcerous little band and they make a suit for him. They try to warn him that the mask is still hot, but Doom cannot give two shits. What is pain to Doom?!?mask

There it is. The birth of a legend. Much better than the birth of some other lesser villains I know.

vader

So Doom is all Doomified now. But what will he do? Well, first he builds a jetpack and gets the hell out of Tibet. We then return to the present. Doom swears in front of the graves of his parents that he will rule the world. Because they wanted him to?!? Doom then pimp walks through the streets of Latveria back to his castle.

badass

Look at him go. Look at the prosperity of Latveria! Look at the adoring citizens! Look at the faux German stylings which reek a little of anti-German racism. It’s all so glorious. I know what I am doing after I post this.

Next: Part 2 of the annual. Doom vs The Fantastic Four. Again. This time victory will be Doom’s! You have my word!

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.

The Doom Retrospective, Part 7

When last we left the Doom Retrospective, victory was Doom’s! Until, like the accursed cavalry in a trite Western, the Fantasic Four arrived and saved the cretinous Spider-man from certain….doom. Always seeing the value of tactical retreat, Doom beat feet to plot and scheme another day.

It should be apparent now that you never really have to wait long to get another Doom appearance. Doom would return in Fantastic Four #23 (Feb. 1964). Doom is still not as yet two years old and is already the most important villain at Marvel! Let’s go to the scorecard.

Record vs Fantastic Four: 0-5 (It might not be so soon, Richards.)

Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)

Record vs Flash Thompson: 1-0 (Your BMOC status cannot protect you from Doom, miscreant!)

Times Avoided Capture: 6 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)

Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0

Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)

Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 3

The issue opens with the team mucking around with Doom’s time machine. I guess they captured it in a non-Doom issue I did not/will not read? The time machine is turned on and a dinosaur pops out of it. The dino promptly WTFpwns Torch with a houseplant.

potplant

Nice drug reference. You are telling me that a couple glasses of water is all it takes to take Torch out of a fight? Oh, Doom. If only you had known how shitty the Human Torch truly is. Eventually Sue and Reed play the grownups and subdue the dinosaur. They send the animal back and Reed gushes about how Doom’s time platform still works perfectly after they transferred it to their lab. Of course the device works, fool! Doom’s craftsmanship and attention to detail is unequaled! With the dino crisis averted, Reed chastises the team for their general incompetence.

fedup

“Alleged” minds. Somebody get the burn unit in here, Reed is flamethrowing. Of course, the team doesn’t like their superior speaking down to them and decide it’s time for a new leader. These ingrates don’t realize that Reed, while mentally deficient, is a genius compared to the rest of this crew. Doom’s new strategy should revolve around framing Johnny for putting his fingers in the peanut butter or Thing leaving a deuce in the toilet without flushing. The team would practically combust before our very eyes.

We leave the FF slapfight and find a creepy bald guy is chilling in the courthouse checking out criminals. Eventually, he bails one out and takes him to a secret lair. Who is this creepy guy? A Doombot! Doom has gathered three criminals together for some nefarious purpose. Doom is so evil, he already has these poor saps violating their parole.

criminals

Nice introductions, Doom. He reveals himself and the criminals rightly shit themselves. Fear Doom! These nobodies will allow Doom to defeat the Fantastic Four. Do not ask how! Trust in Doom!

We return to the Fantastic Four and they are voting for a new leader. The three do it without Reed because fuck that stuffed shirt. When the three of them have maybe 12 brain cells to rub together, the vote leads to predictable results.

vote

You can almost hear the sad trombone in the background as Thing’s grotesque black heart breaks in his misbegotten chest from disappointment. As if anyone would vote for you, gargoyle. Thing and Torch throw tantrums and fight, tearing up the room. Torch uses impressive weapons like a “cold flame fly swatter” and “lukewarm” fireballs. Jesus, Johnny. You’re the worst. It’s obvious everyone wants to get rid of Thing, but Reed can’t poison him correctly and Johnny is too stupid to make his fire, you know, actually hot. Reed hears the ruckus and saunters in.

wellwell

Reed tapping his inner Doom. Look at that dickish body language. This trio would be drooling all over themselves if Reed weren’t around. Look at how selfish they are! While they roll around in excrement like toddlers, Reed is trying and failing to track his superior. But where is Doom?

antiff

He’s creating an anti-Fantastic Four, that’s what he’s doing. Doom just rolls up and creates new supervillains for himself. I’m sure this is going to work out great with super-hearing guy, fireproof guy, and not as-strong-as-Thing guy. There is no way this plan can fail! Need I remind you of one of our good Doctor’s fatal flaws?

doom

Time will tell if Doom can lead these three stooges to success. The next day, there is an announcement in the newspaper that a “Maharajah” wants to present Johnny with a new car. The Torch is a selfish dolt, so he decides to go by himself and not tell the rest of the team. And why not? Reed is busy with his experiments. Sue is practicing improving her superpowers. And what of Thing?

troll

He’s getting trolled by the Yancy Street Gang. I love those guys. Who needs the internet when you can just fill up Thing’s mailbox with insulting harassing letters? Anyone who can hurt that malformed mockery of humanity is ok in my book. Fuck you, Thing. Johnny is given the car and takes it for a spin. Fireproof guy suggests they go visit the maharajah in person and Johnny agrees. What a car, by the way. Amazingly advanced. Johnny is suitably impressed.

car

Torch, you sniveling sycophant! Even when Doom is not present, you insult him with your shallow idol worship of Richards. I am looking forward to Torch being humiliated and destroyed. The charade is dropped and Torch is told he is now a prisoner. Johnny tries to burn his way out of the locked car, but it is lined with asbestos! The bane of Silver Age fiery superheroes. He then tries to fill the car with fire to force Fireproof guy to open the doors. Long story short, Johnny is knocked out and captured. Excellent.

Next we see Thing stalking the streets, looking for the Yancy Street Gang. In a twist, it was actually Not-as-Strong-as-Thing guy who wrote it! They tussle, and then NASAT Guy pulls out a gun.

thing

Ha Ha! Richards can never properly cure Thing and here Doom does it with a Cosmic Ray gun of his own devising.* Truly, your genius knows no bounds, Doom. Thing is promptly KO’d. Two down!

We see Reed and Sue back home. And I’m just going to put the whole page here. I can’t accurately describe it.

page

There has never been a more 60’s page written. It is the most 60’s page that ever sixtied. Look at Sue moping, though, the little vixen. I’d let her polish my test tube. Super-hearing guy shows up at the door with flowers. Sue, thinking with her vagina, decides this is the perfect time to make Reed jealous. Of course, it is a trap. Of course, Sue is also knocked out. Three down! Only one left. The accursed Richards.

cackle

Look at that cackle. All Doom wanted was a fair fight. How is 4-on-1 fair? Your reckoning is at hand, Richards. This is great. The actual confrontation, however, is anti-climactic. Reed sees the Thing shoot the emergency flare and rushes off to help. Then Thing turns on Reed and “Mr. Fantastic” is trapped. Oh ho! So simple.

robot

Yes, Richards. You forgot that Doom is a master “robot designer.” All four down. Doom has done it. Doom has defeated the entire Fantastic Four! The first thing Doom does is destroy the Thing robot. I think maybe you could have used that later, Victor, not that I am questioning you.

grotesque

But you make a good point, Doom. As always. Somebody get an icepack in here for Thing’s burns. With the team defeated, nothing left to do but pay off the hired help.

pimp

Have you ever seen a more pimp super-villain before? Look at Doom lounging. He’s got this shit completely under control. He inverted our expectations. They didn’t even get the chance to incompetently betray him. He shunted their asses to some unnamed dimension. Meanwhile, the Fantastic Four escape. But Doom has prepared for that, of course. I think Doom just likes to up the difficulty for himself. He captures them but instead of just killing them, he allows them to escape just so he can beat them again. He’s addicted to the thrill.

He hits Thing with some sort of hammering machine. Freezes Mr. Fantastic. Reed-cicle anyone? That’s my joke, not Doom’s. Though I wish Doom had said it. After bossing them around earlier, Reed is getting a lesson in humility. He feels like he’d be dead if not for his team. So true. Doom wants you to be a better hero, Reed.  Even with the four of them now free, Doom is still holding his own, flying around the room, bringing the fight to the Fantastic Four!

flying

He is smarter and more powerful than Reed, dullard! Look at Doom go. He looks like he is just having a ball. Doom reminds me of some other awesome villain I know.

godzilla

That’s the stuff.

All of this is just prelude to Doom’s real trap. He is going to use a “solar wave” to throw the Fantastic Four into space. Don’t ask. It doesn’t make sense. I am beginning to think Doom has some sort of space death fetish. Sue uses her power in a new way and projects a field through a wall, trapping Doom himself! If the FF die, Doom dies with them. We cannot let that happen!

mind

“Space is closing in on us!” I’m not sure that’s how space works, Johnny. “I’m surrounded by air, Reed. Halp!” Idiot. Of course, Doom must save himself since his mind is worth more than the entirety of the Fantastic Four. Thing pulls Doom into the room and….

space

Are you fucking kidding me? Lost in spaaaaaccccceeee again?!?! Fuck you, Thing, you hideous misshapen excrescence. Doom will have his revenge! Of course, the Fantastic Four just narrowly escape death. Doom will return. Somehow, some way.

Next: Fantastic Four annual #2, a double sized issue. The first story is the origin of Victor von Doom! If that is not an erection causing story, I don’t know comics. I’ll be covering each story in a different entry.

*Doom’s Cosmic Ray gun only “cured” Thing for a few moments. But what does Doom care? Doom would never cure Thing permanently. Let the creature suffer.

As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to thenonicheblog@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.