As always, there be adult language and adult joke ahead. You have been warned.
Last time on the Doom Retrospective, our hero was facing off against a powerless Fantastic Four and a superhero that can’t even see! Nothing can stop Doom now! Nothing! Before we get to his final victory, let’s take a look at the scorecard.
Record vs Fantastic Four: 1-6
Record vs. Spider-man: 0-1 (Doom’s scheme was thwarted)
Times Avoided Capture: 8 (Still perfect. No bars can hold Doom.)
Times Screaming about Richards!: Surprisingly, 0
Treacherous Underlings foolishly turning on Doom: 1 (Fuck you, Namor.)
Times Left Adrift in Space/Shrunk into Nothingness/Jumped out of airplane sans parachute: 4
Issues Flash Thompson has awaited swift and unspeakable retribution: 5
Let’s hop right into it. After last month’s barnburner of an ending, the Fantastic Four desperately race to the Baxter Building, a building now firmly under the control of Doom! All the Mighty Marvelites must have been beside themselves waiting a full month for FF # 40 to come out, dreading that the series would be over complete with the final panel showing Doom parading the desecrated corpses of Johnny, Ben, and Richards through the streets of New York, while Sue came to grips with the new man in her life. Secretly wanting it oh so badly. I digress.
The issue opens with Doom gloating over his impending victory. Instead of eliminating them quickly, he decides to play with his food. Excellent, Victor. Make them suffer.
Doom is not above ruining the team’s rep before killing them. Years from now, that woman will tell her grandchildren that a drone almost hit her in the face. That man will regale his friends with the tale of how Reed Richards was invading the privacy of innocent citizens well before September 11. It’s all your fault, Richards.
Doom discovering Reed alive has given him new life. He decides that once Reed is dead, he’ll take over the world. Reed really brings out the best in Victor. Daredevil, using his accursed blindness powers, discovers the drone and takes it out in short order.
Wait, what? With a gun? Hidden in his billy club? So much for the criminal justice system. Daredevil is going to let God sort ’em out. The Punisher is still over a decade away and here is a blind man packing fucking heat. Excelsior!
After gunning down an unarmed drone in the middle of the street, Daredevil runs off to distract Doom, calling the Lord of Latveria “Doomsie.” You will die for your impertience, Daredevil. Reed meets up with Johnny and Sue in a purloined taxi. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
At Herochat, there is a meme that Thing will always do things like steal a taxi to expedite his escapes from the Hulk. It seems like the whole team is into it, however. The FF are nothing but a cowardly bunch of criminals. Reed is in a real hurry to get to something called “The Stimulator.” I think I can see Sue blushing ever so slightly. Looks like that machine has more than one use, wink wink.
They reach the building and forge ahead, immediately running into a trap designed by Reed himself. “Mr. Fantastic” carries Sue through the electrical blasts and directs Johnny through it at the same time. Torch, that sniveling sycophant, claims there will never be another guy like Reed. Richards’s minutes are numbered, insect.
Meanwhile, Daredevil has sneaked up on Doom. Is our hero caught unawares?
Of course not! Doom left you just “enough rope,” cretin. Another Victor zinger. Not quite up there with the sun giving them a warm reception, but good enough for the likes of Daredevil. Doom quickly turns the tables, using a model rocket ship that Reed built to chase DD around the room. The accursed hero dodges at every turn. Doom deduces he is using far more than just sight, but what could it be? Once again, Doom shows his superiority over Richards. Here they are side-by-side.
Doom at least works out that there is something more than vision going on here, while Reed is more like “Dur hur!” and staring at Daredevil’s tight vigilante ass. I hate you, Reed Richards. Fugly Ben Grimm shows up and now the whole accursed party is here. Reed keeps babbling about the “stimulator.” Is he going to give them their powers back or are we going to watch Reed jack it for 5 panels?
Back in the control room, Doom flings machinery around and Daredevil shows that his billy club has more powers than fucking Mjolnir.
Green Lantern Spider-man and this god damned Odin-blessed billy club. No wonder Doom can’t beat these guys! Daredevil is like a more competent version of Thunderstrike. And for those that don’t know who that is, well, let’s just say he was a symptom of what was wrong in the 90’s and we are all glad he’s dead.
As the Four race to retrieve Reed’s sex toy, Daredevil does the unthinkable and lays his hands on the personage of Doom!
You are in trouble now, simpleton! Doom shall crush you like the bug you are. Daredevil is being trounced so thoroughly that his similes stop making sense. Held by a bulldozer?!? Just as Doom is about end Daredevil, in bust the powerless Fantastic Four.
How does that feel, Thing? You want to die? You want Doom to end it all for you? How does it feel that Richards treats you as little more than fodder? He was willing to see you die so he could get his hands on his sweet “stimulator.” And of course he uses it on himself first. What a dick. He could have shot Ben first but Reed wants Doom to Gorilla Press Thing Ultimate Warrior style. Reed turns the gun on Johnny next, still no Ben. Suck it, Thing. Three of the four have their powers back? Does Doom panic?
Of course not! This victory will be so much the sweeter! Swatting Torch away like a fly, Doom triggers the in-floor refrigeration unit, freezing the team in place, including the accursed Daredevil. Unfortunately, in one last bullshit heroic moment, Reed stretches and releases a steam vent, freeing the heroes. Bah! No matter. Only delaying the inevitable.
Reed decides that the full might of the Fantastic Four is required to beat Doom. He turns his gun on Ben.
Oh, that is rich. I love it. Ben doesn’t want to be the Thing and Reed does not give two flying fucks. Oop. Too late. Already pulled the trigger, you ugly gargoyle. Welcome back to being a fucking monster. Reed might as well have kicked him in the nuts and spit in his face while he was at it. Who’s the villain here?
While Reed is fucking Thing over, Doom is rigging the building to blow, killing everyone for miles around to boot. An enraged Thing, knowing he is impotent to attack his true enemy, decides to take on Doom instead. We’ve seen this play out before, moron. Doom is going to whip your ass, Thing.
Look at Thing hurt his little hand. Why do you do this to yourself, Thing? Just roll over and die. Thing is too stupid to quit. He comes at Doom again. But Doom is master of all! His armor is supreme! He uses an “instant hypnotism impulser” in his gauntlet, which tips Thing off balance. Doctor Doom then issues a royal beatdown on Thing, destroying him with words as well.
Ugly One. Orange-skinned misanthrope. Misshapen body. All true statements. Doom is ethering you, Thing. I am sure the next page is Grimm killing himself. Thing, knowing he can’t kill himself lying prone, wills himself to overpower Doom’s device. Look at how strong his suicidal tendencies are!
I think Doom should stop the fight and call a hotline. Thing obviously needs help. In an ultimate sign of mercy, Doom decides he will help put this ugly pile of shit out of his misery. Using “intensified molecules,” he blasts pebbles that turn into boulders, pummeling Thing. The grotesque monster won’t give up though, busting out of those boulders.
Again, Thing dares to lay hands on Doom and pays for it immediately. I am really enjoying this. Look at Doom dominate Thing! Doom unloads on the foul beast, forcing the idiot to crawl towards him. I’ll give Thing credit. He’s too dumb to collapse and too ugly to die.
Look at that. He agrees with me completely. You’re a mental trainwreck, Thing. The brute miraculously muscles through Doom’s defenses and again lays his misbegotten mitts on the Lord of Latveria! Let’s watch Doom humble him again. This shit never gets old.
Wait, what? This must be some sort of mistake. Let me look at that again.’
Huh. It’s still the same.
What the fuck?!?! No, no, no. Not the fucking Thing! Even Torch would be better. Not Thing! Bah, Doom doesn’t need gadgets to snap victory from the jaws of defeat. He still has more than enough power to destroy you all! This is just the darkest moment before the shining dawn of Doom’s triumph!
Doom. Slinking off. Defeated. Humbled. Humiliated. FUCK. What the fuck is going on here? Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, you fucking hacks. You smear this shit on the page and call it a comicbook? Suck it. All of you can suck it. The book ends with Thing quitting the team because he’s a fucked up ugly monster, and nobody cares. I hope you die, Thing! I hope you fucking die next issue.
I’m done. My ticker can’t take this any longer. That’s not even how diplomatic immunity works!
Next: Fuck this shit.
As usual, feel free to leave your thoughts and comments below. You can also send your comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or follow me on Twitter at John_S20. If you really want to stalk me, you can find me posting fairly regularly at Herochat.com, known for its mature and frank discussions about comicbooks.